A Slayers/Red Dwarf Crossover!
by Ichiban Victory
Summary: This idea came to me a while ago. While the Slayers cast and universe are the same, I stole the storyline from an episode of Red Dwarf.


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Opening scene: The Slayers, with Filia and Xellos in tow, are again trekking across the land. As they travel they come to an area devoid of life.

****

Amelia: _*scared*_ What is this place?

Lina: I'm not sure, but there's definitely something wrong with this place!

__

Lina looks around the area, and sees rotting corpses. She goes over to investigate. One corpse lies on the ground with an arrow sticking out if it's chest. (It's too rotted to determine gender). Another one is hanging from a tree with a noose around it's neck.

****

Lina: _*disgusted*_ Well this might explain a few things. _*studies corpse with arrow*_

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As Lina studies the corpse, a dumbfounded expression crosses her face.

****

Gourry: What, Lina? What's wrong?

Lina: This....person died from the arrow piercing their heart but...

Amelia: _*worried*_ But what, Miss Lina?

Lina: .....it was self inflicted!

Zelgadis: _*shocked*_ How is that possible? Who would kill themselves that way?!?

Lina: Obviously this person...something's not right here...

__

Gourry, who has wandered a bit from the group makes his own discovery.

****

Gourry: Lina! Come quick!

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Lina, Amelia and Zelgadis run over to Gourry, who's leaning over a creek.

****

Lina: What is it Gourry?

Gourry: Look! _*points in the water to a drowned fishman*_ How could he have drowned in water?

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Lina leans in for a closer look.

****

Lina: What?!? No way! Looks like he wanted to drown himself... Something is definitely wrong here... _*glances back at Xellos, who's been hanging back the whole time*_ Xellos! Any idea about this place?

Xellos: Who, me?

Lina: _*shoots death glare at Xellos*_

Xellos: Uh, well, actually, I HAVE heard of this before, where people and animals commit suicide. _*obviously lying*_ But I'm not sure why....

Amelia: Miss Lina, over there!

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Lina looks to where Amelia's pointing. Tracks can be seen smeared into the dirt. Again Lina goes to investigate.

****

Lina: These are too warped to be made by an animal...

Amelia: Are you saying-

Lina: Mazoku? Most definitely.

Zelgadis: Knowing that, wouldn't it be wise to leave before this Mazoku comes after us?

Lina: Yes. Gourry, let's go!

Gourry: Where are we going?

Lina: _*frustrated*_ Aaah! Weren't you listening?!?

Gourry: Well actually, I was looking at that odd shape over there _*points behind Lina and the others*_. I think we're in for more trouble! 

__

Having said this, Gourry whips out his sword. Lina however, looks behind her to see (are you ready for this?) a rather large Mazoku coming straight for her!

****

Lina: AAAAAH! Gourry, why didn't you say something sooner?!? _*prepares for combat*_

Gourry: Well I only noticed it a minute ago, and then you yelled at me...

Lina: Never mind! Just get ready! _*looks at Amelia and Zelgadis*_ You too, you two!

Amelia & Zelgadis: Right!

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The gang pulls out their weapons/spells waiting for the impending battle. As they prepare, the Mazoku gains momentum, still on a collision course with Lina & Co.

****

Lina: Whoa, he's moving too fast! Everybody, scatter!!

__

Just as Lina gives her command, the Mazoku reaches them. Luckily, everyone gets out of the way in time. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia regroup a short distance away. Filia is separated as she tends to stay away from battle anyway. Xellos, as usual, is no where to be seen...

****

Lina: Okay guys, let's get him! 

__

Amelia and Zelgadis prepare their double whammy Ra Tilt. Gourry stands ready, waiting to fight with the Mazoku if the Ra Tilt doesn't finish the job. Lina also gets ready to back up the two with a Dragon Slave. Unfortunately, just before Amelia and Zelgadis launch their attack, the Mazoku (having realized that it missed it's intended target) charges right at them!

****

Lina: Yikes! Hurry it up you two!

Amelia & Zelgadis: _*yelling*_ Ra Ti-

__

Too late! The Mazoku unleashes it's attack causing a huge explosion! As things settle down again, a huge "GAME OVER" flashes across the screen. (Since when is there a screen?!?) 

****

Disembodied Voice: For the last three years, you have been engaged in the total immersion video game, the Slayers.

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The scene changes to a large room with lots of equipment. Lina and Co. (minus Xellos and Filia) are sitting in large chairs (like a dentist's chair) with gear over their faces. They begin to stir (or move around...)

****

Disembodied Voice: As with all role-playing adventures you will experience a certain

amount of disorientation on leaving the game. It will be several minutes before your real-life memories return. So, in the meantime, please disengage the game-playing machinery and relax until an attendant is free to answer any of your questions.

On behalf of BTL International, welcome back to reality!

__

The gear lifts off the gang, as they climb out of their chairs. Lina sports a shorter hair style, as does Gourry. Zelgadis' hair is a bit longer than normal, while Amelia's falls past her shoulders. They are all wearing overalls.

****

Lina: _*horrified*_ There's got to be some mistake...

Zelgadis: _*overjoyed*_ I'm HUMAN!!

Gourry: _*panicked*_ Where'd my sword go?!? My family's going to kill me!

__

An attendant walks into the room. He looks a LOT like Xellos, but his hair is pulled back in a ponytail with a baseball cap to top it off. He wears a name tag that says: ZACH.

****

Zach: Okay people, how're you all feeling? A bit woozy? You'll feel good as new in 20 minutes. Now if you'll kindly move to the recuperation lounge, I can get things ready for the next group.

****

Lina: The next group?

Zach: Yeah. This "Slayers" game is very popular, it even has a three year waiting list! So, how'd you get killed?

****

Gourry: By some really large fast Mazoku.

Zach: The Denizen of Despair?!? There's no way that could've killed you! Why didn't you Dragon Slave it as soon as you saw it?

Lina: We didn't have time!

Zach: You idiot! You're supposed to Dragon Slave it before it gets to you! Everybody knows that!

Lina: _*furious*_ What did you call me....?

Zelgadis: We were going to Ra Tilt it...

Zach: Ra Tilt it?! When are you going to learn to just wipe em out with a Dragon Slave? Well it's too late now. You guys must've played like idiots!

Lina: ................ _*too furious to speak*_

Zach: So! Which one played Lina?

Lina: _*angry*_ Me....

Zach: Did you and Gourry-

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He's cut off by Lina cupping her hand over his mouth.

****

Lina: What kind of girl do you take me for?!? ......was I supposed to?

Zach: Supposed to? That's a major objective of the game for Lina! It's basically a love story across time, space, death and reality. You must've gotten the easy stuff then! So what'd you think of the Giga Blade?

Zelgadis: The Giga what?! 

Zach: You missed that?!? Too bad, lots of people find that right away. So who got to be Zelgadis?

Zelgadis: I did.

Zach: He's great, isn't he?

Zelgadis: Uh, sure....yeah, I suppose.

Zach: How long did it take you to figure him out?

Zelgadis: ...figured out? From the beginning, why?

Zach: Really? You found Rezo's message right away?

Zelgadis: What? Rezo's message...?

Zach: You mean you didn't find it?! The one in the orb you wear on your cloak?! Didn't you wonder why he gave it to you after turning you into a chimera, and why you always wore it after that?!

Gourry: That's a clue?

Zach: It's an obvious clue!

Zelgadis: An obvious clue to what?!?

Zach: An obvious clue to the truth behind Zelgadis!

Zelgadis: What truth?

Zach: The truth to why he's such a cold-hearted jerk!

****

Amelia: *aside* He's not a cold-hearted jerk...

****

Zelgadis: That's because of Rezo turning him into a chimera! He couldn't be normal, couldn't be with people! _*glances at Amelia and sees her crying*_ Erm, well...oh dear.

Zach: No, no no.

Zelgadis: Yes, yes, yes.

Zach: No, no, no.

Zelgadis: Yes, yes, yes.

Zach: No!

Zelgadis: _*annoyed*_ What was it then?

Zach: Rezo made him a chimera to protect him from Shabrinigdo. He made him his servant because it was up to Zelgadis to save Rezo from Shabrinigdo, who in turn would change him back into a human after Shabrinigdo was destroyed! Well, that particular piece anyway...

Zelgadis: _*shocked*_ I, he, WHAT?!

Zach: It's all in the message he sealed in the orb! Wait a minute! Are you seriously telling me that you were playing the cold-hearted version of Zelgadis that whole time?! For Four years?! That's a classic!

__

As Zach rolls on the ground laughing, a new group walks in. Zach is quick to get up, dust himself off, and resume his duty.

****

Zach: All right, folks. Which one's Lina?

__

A tall, rather busty and beautiful woman raises her hand.

****

Zach: Right. Got the food bag, and everything else here. You can start plugging yourself in. Just don't mix anything up, all right? Okay Gourry, in you go. All right Zelgadis and Amelia... _*glances at Lina and Co.*_ Hey, give us some room here, will ya?

Gourry: Where do we go? We don't remember who we are yet.

Zach: The Re-cup-er-a-tion Lounge! I keep telling you! Man, no wonder you only earned 6%. What a bunch of idiots!

__

Lina & Co. head off for the "Re-cup-er-a-tion Lounge."

****

Lina: I'm not Lina Inverse then. I'm not me...

Gourry: None of us are who we thought we were. 

Zelgadis: I'm not Zelgadis then?

Lina: No.

Zelgadis: I'm not a chimera! _*excited*_ I'm not Zelgadis!

Amelia: Well if we aren't who we thought we were, then who are we?!

Lina: The sorry kind of people who'd want to play a game for four years! Either we're running from who-knows-what, or we have nothing left living for in the first place!

__

A nurse arrives.

****

Nurse: Is there a Mary Marks in here?

Lina: Who?

Nurse: Mary Marks.

Lina: Nope, sorry.

Zelgadis: Wait a minute! How do you know there is no one called Mary Marks in here? It could be you.

Nurse: _*looking at luggage n stuff*_ No, this is right. Marks. This is the Marks party. Which one is Mary Marks?

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Everyone looks at Amelia.

****

Amelia: *nervous* Who, me? Why do I have to be Mary Marks?

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The nurse finds Marks bag with her ID on it, and gives it to her.

****

Nurse: It's you. Here's your party's clothing and possessions. The medical officer will be down in 20 minutes.

Mary: Mary Marks? How can I be called Mary Marks?

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Lina digs through the case the nurse picked out.

****

Lina: It's true. It's got your picture, name, and address on it. There's a lot of expensive stuff in here! But your clothes look pretty shabby. You don't suppose... _*gets thoughtful look*_

Mary: It doesn't make sense!

Zelgadis: I'm sorry, but it makes perfect sense, Mary! Imagine a low life who's got nothing better to do than steal from others. Doesn't it make sense that this pathetic thief would give anything to play someone like Amelia in a video game?

Mary: So this is really me?! A petty thief?!?

Zelgadis: Gourry, open the next one!

Gourry: Listen, whoever you are:don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around. Because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to take any trash from whoever you are. So before you go ordering me around, let's figure out if I'm the king of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around, or if I'm the type who gets infuriated by being ordered around by whoever you are! Understand?

Zelgadis: ....all I said was, "Open the next one."

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While the two argue, Lina has grabbed another bag.

****

Lina: Okay Gourry, this one's you.

Gourry: Oh! Who am I?

Lina: Wow! You're a police officer! Looks like a detective even! _*reads badge*_ Vehicular Detective...

Gourry: _*excited*_ Really?

Lina: Yeah, this's your badge! _*holds up said badge*_

Gourry: A detective, huh? What's my name?

Lina: Ray, Ray Gunn.

Ray: Ray Gunn, Detective. I like that! I can just imagine cracking cases, solving mysteries, all in a days work for Ray Gunn, Vehicular Detective!

Zelgadis: On the other hand, "Mr. Gunn," perhaps the Vehicular division is just in charge of traffic control. You just happen to have a macho name.

Ray: Oh...you could be right about that...

Mary: _*looking at various stolen goods*_ Mary Marks...

Zelgadis: _*looking at Lina*_ So, whoever you are, who's next?

Lina: I don't want to know. Somebody else look.

Ray: Stand aside! Let the law handle this!

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He grabs the next bag.

****

Ray: No picture. Hmm..... Name, "Les Dodson."

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Everyone looks at Lina.

****

Lina: Hey! It's not necessarily me! _*gets up to investigate bag*_

****

Zelgadis: Les Dodson. Well that's a name that came from the wrong side of the tracks, isn't it?

Mary: _*shoots dirty look at Zelgadis*_

Zelgadis: Or not...? _*stares down at shoes*_

****

Lina: _*sigh of relief*_ It's yours. _*Hands bag to "Les"*_

Les: What?!?

Lina: It's yours, "Les."

Les: It can't be...

Lina: Check the picture on the ID then!

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Lina sits down next to Les and shows him the ID.

****

Les: Lester Dodson. "Lester Dodson." Now that has a nice ring to it... This might not be so bad after all.

Lina: Better hold that thought. Why would a man of such good breeding be wearing stuff like this? _*holds up jacket that reeks like urine*_

Les: ....I think I'm going to be sick!

Lina: So who am I?

__

Lina stands up, leaving a sickly Les to deal with his harsh reality, walks over to the last bag and opens it.

****

Lina: Wow! Look at all this! This is really expensive!

Les: _*jumping up*_ Are you absolutely sure that isn't my bag?

Ray: Who are you? What do you do?

Lina: I work for some company...CGI. I've got a carriage waiting in the long term parking lot.

Les: Yet again you get all the breaks that life deprives me of...Virtual or actual!

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Ray finds an ID badge that has fallen off of the bag.

****

Ray: Lina, you might want a look at this. Les, meet your sister Cassandra.

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Cassandra and Les look at each other, dumbfounded.

****

Ray: Well, half-sister anyway. You have the same mother...

Cassie: This just gets weirder and weirder! Let's just get out of this place.

__

The foursome gather up their belongings and head out towards the parking lot. As they leave, they pass by large screens showing the Slayers game in progress. The woman from before (the new Lina) has the new Gourry's lips in a death grip. (A.K.A. she's kissing him.) Cassie looks back at Ray and blushes, quick to exit the room with the larger screens.

Once outside, the group notices posters on the wall:

****

Cassie: _*reading*_ "Vote Fascist for a third glorious decade of total law enforcement."

Ray: _*also reading*_ "Be a government informer. Betray your family and friends. Fabulous prizes to be won."

__

They move on to the parking lot where Cassie finds her carriage.

****

Mary: Wow! Fresh horses and everything! These people are amazing.

Ray: But was it really a good idea to leave before our memories came back?

Cassie: I couldn't stand being in there any longer! Let's just leave already.

__

As they are talking, a child runs past, being pursued by a man in a suit.

****

Cop: Halt or I'll shoot!

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The child runs right between Les and Ray while the cop stops and raises his gun. 

****

Cop: Move, voters!

Ray: _*grabs Les to keep him from moving*_ Move an inch and I'll crush every bone in your body! 

__

The cop is frustrated at losing his quarry. He walks towards to group, gun held level.

****

Cop: You helped an enemy of democracy escape! She was stealing an apple of the people.

Ray: _*whips out badge*_ Gunn. Vehicular Detective!

Cop: That's traffic control!

__

Ray, having been belittled, shrinks away from the cop. Les and Mary also begin to back away. Cassie has laid low the whole time.

****

Cop: Kneel, voters. You are under sentence of death. _*looks at Cassie, who's hiding in the shadows*_ Come out of the shadows, voter.

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Cassie walks forward, arms raised in surrender.

****

Cassie: What's the problem, officer?

Cop: _*realizing who he's talking to*_ M-m-many apologies, Voter Colonel. Had I known it was you... _*lowers gun, and head, and clicks his heels in a salute*_ Forgive me.

Cassie: You know me?

Cop: Of course, Voter Colonel.

Cassie: Who am I?

Cop: You are Colonel Cassandra Dodson. Section chief of CGI. Head of the Ministry of Alteration.

Cassie: Refresh my memory. What do we do at the "Ministry of Alteration?"

Cop: You...change people, ma'am.

Cassie: In what way?

Cop: You change them from being alive people, to being dead people. To purify democracy.

Mary: _*horrified*_ Purify?!?

Cop: No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes than the Voter Colonel.

Mary: So why has she been away for four years?

Cop: _*to Cassie*_ Excuse me, Voter Colonel, but is this some kind of test?

Cassie: Answer her!

Cop: The rumor was that you had grown weary of your glorious duties and had gone away -- in secret -- to renew yourself.

__

The child suddenly leaves her hiding place and tries to run away.

****

Cop: Halt!

__

The cop raises his gun and shoots, then slumps to the ground, revealing Ray with a weapon aimed right at the spot where the cop had been standing. Suddenly the scene changes to the gang still standing where they were before the Mazoku attacked. Gourry is holding his sword like a gun.

****

Gourry: _*shocked*_ I...killed him.

__

The scene again flashes back to the parking lot, where the foursome runs to the carriage.

****

Cassie: Let's get out of here. In the carriage!

__

Again the scene changes to the large field that Lina & Co. are still in. Everyone runs over to some fallen logs.

****

Lina: Get in the carriage!

Gourry: I killed him...

Lina: We don't have time for that, Ray! In the carriage!

Gourry: I killed a man!

Lina: _*getting flustered*_ In the carriage!!

__

Everyone positions themselves on a log, Lina next to Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia similarly so behind them.

****

Zelgadis: Lookout! Fascist cops by the left, and they're armed! _*looks at Amelia*_ You're hit!

Amelia: Aah! _*clutches her injured' arm*_

Filia: Listen to me, you're hallucinating! Can't you hear me?!?

Zelgadis: Uh oh, speed bumps!

__

They hit the imaginary speed bumps by Lina and Gourry bouncing up first, followed immediately by Amelia and Zelgadis. They bounce up a second and third time over more bumps.

****

Zelgadis: Look out for that turn!

__

They swing left, right, and left again on their logs.

****

Zelgadis: Look out! The barrier!

Lina: Brace yourselves! We're going through it!

__

They crash the barrier, with much bouncing around.

****

Zelgadis: _*looking back*_ Horses! With sorcerers riding! Look out for their Fireballs!

Lina: That bridge, think we can make it?

Gourry: But it's washed out!

Lina: Got any better ideas?!

Amelia: Let's do it!

__

Lina whips the imaginary horses to build up speed. The carriage hits the bridge and takes off.

****

All: Woooooooooo---aaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

__

They hit the other side, shaken up, but okay.

****

Amelia: We made it! Nice driving!_ *looking back at horsemen*_ So long!

Zelgadis: _*looking out the window*_ Uh oh, flying demons!

Lina: _*frustrated*_ Argh! I'm going to have to dump the carriage!

__

Lina swerves around a bit and brings the carriage to a sudden halt.

****

Lina: Okay, come on! Go! Go!! Go!!!

__

They all get out and begin running around the logs except for Amelia, who sits for a little while holding her "wounded" arm. After looking around frantically for a moment, she also manages to open her "door" and gets out to join in the running. 

****

Amelia: Down that alley!

__

The group runs down an alley, stopping by a poster for a restaurant. Everyone is looking back to see if there's any pursuit, except for Ray. (The scene again switching to what they're seeing.)

****

Ray: I killed him...I killed a man... _*pulls out sword/gun, pointing it at his head. He pulls the trigger', but nothing happens*_ Dang!

Cassie: _*seeing Ray*_ What are you doing?!

Ray: I never meant to kill anyone. I could have stunned him or something, but I killed him! I must kill myself... _*loads gun' with more ammo*_

Les: I can't believe it. I'm on the run from the fascist police in a group with a murderer, mass murderer, and a thief who's done who-knows-what! And now I'm about to be splattered with his brains! _*looks at Ray*_ I'm after you with the gun.

Cassie: Count me in, too.

Mary: Ditto.

Ray: But there's only one bullet left!

Mary: Well, we could all put our heads together and the bullet will go down the line!

Cassie: Works for me.

__

They all huddle together, putting their heads in a line. Ray puts the gun' to his head.

Again the scene changes to Lina & Co. standing in a line, Gourry holding the blade of his sword up to his head. Filia is yelling at the top of her lungs to no avail. Filia finally whips out her mace and bops Gourry on the head. (Not enough to send him flying, just to wake him from his state.)

****

Filia: Gourry, can you hear me now?!

Gourry: _*looks up*_ Did somebody say something?

Filia: You're hallucinating! Put the gun' down!

Gourry: _*somewhat dazed*_ I think I'm going to put the gun down..._*puts sword on the ground*_

__

The scene changes (yet again) to the alley. Filia finally takes matters into her own hands and casts a spell to reverse the effects of the Mazoku's spell.

****

Les: He must be going crazy! Are you done being strange yet?

Ray: _*coming to his senses*_ I'm sorry, Les, I don't know what came over me.

__

Ray once again picks up the gun' as everyone gets their heads in a line.

****

Ray: Everybody ready?

Cassie: Yes, go for it!

Filia: You're hallucinating!!

Everyone looks startled. Again the scene changes to everyone standing in the field.

****

Filia: You're hallucinating!

__

Everyone starts to come to.

****

Lina: What?

Filia: _*overjoyed*_ I didn't think you'd make it! _*sarcastically*_ Welcome back to reality.

Lina: _*dazed*_ What happened?

Filia: You had a group hallucination, caused by that Mazoku. You were about to commit suicide, just like those other people we saw! _*smug*_ Until I saved you, of course!

Gourry: ....what? But why would we want to kill ourselves?

Zelgadis: Isn't it obvious? We all thought we were what we despised the most. Lina was rich, but also a mass murderer, killing innocent people. Amelia was a thief, one who's opposed to Justice. And you Gourry, killed a man in cold blood, which goes against your nature as well.

Amelia: Don't forget about yourself, Mr. Zelgadis! You could no longer blame your (in your opinion) miserable life on others, especially since you grew up with Miss Lina, who was much better off that you and- 

Zelgadis: _*cupping hand over Amelia's mouth*_ Yes, yes, you can spare me the details!

Amelia: Sorry...

Lina: So this means...

Amelia: _*happily*_ I'm not Mary Marks?

Zelgadis: No.

Amelia: All right! _*dances around*_

Zelgadis: ...I'm Zelgadis.

Lina: Yep! _*pounds him on the back*_

Gourry: So what happened to the "Denizen of Despair?"

Xellos: _*beaming*_ I got rid of him!

Lina: Xellos! If you had done that in the first place, we wouldn't have gone through all that!

Xellos: *sheepish* Well...

Lina: You'll pay for this! *chases after Xellos with the others close behind*

__

And so we leave the Slayers gang to continue their journey. Until next time all! ^_^

****

Lina: Xellos, you die!!


End file.
